As parents, it’s natural to want the best for our children. We cheer for their victories and comfort them in their defeats. But how we respond to their successes and setbacks can shape their confidence, resilience, and mindset. Striking the right balance between encouragement and accountability is key to raising children who thrive—not in spite of challenges, but because of them.
Here’s how to foster a growth mindset in your child by focusing on effort, learning from failure, and avoiding the traps of overpraise or harsh criticism.
Avoid the Extremes: The Balance Between Support and Accountability
Both extremes can have unintended consequences:
“Sugar-coating”/Overpraising: Saying “good job” when it’s not warranted can lead to dependence on external validation and a disconnect from their own feelings and growth process. Avoiding honest conversation about mistakes may lead children to believe everything is fine as is, with no need to develop and improve.
“Tiger-parenting”/Over criticism: Harsh criticism can damage self-esteem and create a fear of failure. These overly critical approaches can crush confidence and harm the parent-child relationship.
Instead, aim for a balanced approach that nurtures resilience and accountability. A balanced approach blends encouragement with specific feedback that inspires reflection and effort.
Why “Good Job” Isn’t Always Good Enough
While “Good job” is easy to say, it’s not always effective. Over time, vague praise can:
Undermine self-awareness: When children hear "good job" it fails to highlight specific actions and they don’t learn to assess their own performance critically.
Build dependency on external validation: Instead of recognizing their own efforts, they rely on others to tell them they’ve done well.
Disconnects them from their emotions: Repeatedly telling them how to feel about their accomplishments robs them of the chance to reflect on their own experience.
Replace "Good Job" with Meaningful Feedback
Focus on meaningful thoughtful feedback. This builds their ability to evaluate their efforts and outcomes, empowering them to take control of their growth and internalize their achievements rather than relying solely on external validation.
Replace “Good job” with Specific Observations:
“You stayed focused and didn’t give up during the game, even when it got tough.”
“The way you organized your thoughts in that essay really stood out.”
Ask Open-ended Questions to Allow Reflection:
“What did you do to make this happen?”
“What was the hardest part, and how did you get through it?”
“What would you do differently next time?”
Celebrate Effort such as Persistence and Preparation, Not Just Results:
“I noticed how much time and effort you put into the research. That really helped make your presentation strong.”
“I noticed how much time you spend practicing on your shot, and it really showed.”
By observing, encouraging reflection, and highlighting effort, you help your child internalize the value of hard work and perseverance—skills they’ll carry into every aspect of their lives.
Turn Failure into Opportunities for Growth
Failure is not the opposite of success; it’s part of the journey. Teaching children to see setbacks as opportunities for growth builds their resilience and grit.
Acknowledge the mistake.
Avoid brushing it off with “It’s okay” or pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, say:
“I can see this didn’t turn out the way you wanted. Let’s talk about it.”
Focus on improvement.
Shift the conversation from what went wrong to what can be done differently next time. This shifts the conversation from criticism to problem-solving.
“What do you think you could try next time to improve?”
“How could you prepare differently?”
Model resilience.
Share your own experiences of failure and how you learned from them. This normalizes the idea that everyone stumbles, but growth comes from getting back up.
Teach Accountability Through Involvement
When conflicts or challenges arise, involve your child in the conversation. Say:
“What do you think makes a team work well together?”
“How do you think your actions impacted the group?”
“What do you think could help the group work better together?”
This promotes accountability and empathy, showing them how their behavior affects others and how they can contribute to positive outcomes. This allows children to take ownership of their successes and mistakes, fostering independence and critical thinking.
Other Scenarios and Tips
After a Loss (e.g., a soccer game)
Your child’s team lost, and they seem upset.
Avoid: “Good job, you tried your best.” (This might feel dismissive.)
Say: “I saw how hard you hustled and stayed in the game even when it got tough. What do you think went well for you today?”
Follow-up: “What’s one thing you think you could work on for the next game?”
By focusing on their effort and inviting them to reflect, you show them that growth comes from learning, not just winning.
After a Poor Grade
Your child studied but didn’t perform well on a math test.
Avoid: “It’s okay. You’ll do better next time.” (This might discourage self-reflection.)
Say: “I know you spent a lot of time studying, and that shows real effort. What do you think made this test challenging?”
Follow-up: “What’s something you can try for the next test? Maybe breaking the study material into smaller chunks or reviewing one topic at a time?”
This helps them focus on solutions and encourages them to take ownership of their learning process.
After a Success
Your child gave a presentation and received positive feedback from their teacher.
Avoid: “Good job! You’re so talented.” (This focuses solely on the result.)
Say: “Your preparation stood out. I noticed how clearly you spoke and how your visuals supported your points. What part of your preparation helped you the most?”
Follow-up: “How did it feel to present in front of the class?”
This approach encourages self-reflection and reinforces the value of preparation and effort.
After a Sibling Disagreement
Your child refused to share, leading to an argument.
Avoid: “Why are you always so selfish?” (Criticism without guidance.)
Say: “I noticed you didn’t want to share your toy. How do you think your sibling felt about that?”
Follow-up: “What’s a fair way to handle sharing next time?”
This encourages empathy and problem-solving without shaming them.
The Long-Term Payoff
When we focus on effort, reflection, and resilience, we equip our children to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and independence. Instead of fearing failure, they’ll learn to see setbacks as stepping stones toward growth. Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. By encouraging effort and embracing mistakes, we raise children who are unafraid to try, celebrate their journey, and grow stronger with every stumble.
Let’s guide them to become resilient, reflective, and ready for life’s challenges.
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